Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I told myself everything would be okay. It's amazing that I am always right. That is why everyone should always do as I say when I say to do it. It's great advice.

What is it that everyone is so desperately searching for in their life and how do they know when they've got it? I think even once you have the career, house, suv, and perfectly cute little family on the outside that something always gets lost inside still, so I don't think I want that.

I think that it is important to always be having new experiences. If I ever feel a little bit bored I gotta get up and move. I should take a class of some sort, pottery? crochet? cooking? Money spent on things like that will be well worth it. I want to keep my daughter moving too. We cant sit still.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

my summary

I am going to earn myself the education of a bachelor of arts in Social and Criminal Justice with a specialization in corrections management degree because I cannot continue coasting in and out of retail stupor for the rest of my life. I would never be fullfilled as just another person in society working for a corporation that indirectly effects the function of that society.I have seen with my own eyes the problems it faces and I directly want a position that makes me feel responsible for positively influencing my society. I have been overwhelmed with a drive to get myself out of the current position of a single-below poverty level- mother. I have been sinking for quite awhile and now it is time to come up for some air.

In life, society expects you to do things in a particular order: Get the education, the experience, and then the job. If you're lucky you're still young enough to have a family after all is said and done. I guess maybe I tried to do it in that order once, but somewhere I slipped off the tracks. The past few years being stuck in the mud I have had many experiences while the tires have been spinning. I have finally been pulled out of it and have decided to take the incompleted steps in the typical plan for life and get the education and career that my family deserves and experiences have earned.

I dropped out of art school in Philadelphia, to return back home to Erie after only a mere six months. A lot of debt is not the only thing I can say I got out of that experience because I learned how to interact with strangers and get around a much larger, scarier city. I remember a chatty lady on a train commenting on the fact that there had been over 365 murders by guns so far and the year still had another month left to it.

The bills started to mount and I began working at a department store where I previously worked at before I left for Philadelphia. I became involved with a man whom I had been friends with for awhile and it became a serious relationship. We were together for a year before our relationship diminished and I became pregant with our daughter.
At that same time, I had recieved a promotion at my job where I could just skim by, affording to have my own apartment to raise my daughter in, all by myself. I tried to be successful at being a single mother by doing it all on my own financially and emotionally. My personal well being was suffering as depression overcame me and my pride began to hurt. The only comfort and joy was only found in my daughter's eyes. I worked fulltime on a unset schedule to be yelled at by customers about their minute problems of the store being out of stock of some unnecessary product they desired.
I moved to a larger place. The old fashionedness and pear tree in the back yard of the house made the bad neighborhood worth it. Slowly I realized my terrible mistake as three of the five houses across the street got boarded up, a man stabbed his daughters exboyfriend, a house burned down on the corner then someone's garage, a woman was assulted in her car at stop sign further up the road and next door a seventy-two year old man got beat up. Also a freezing to death prostitute climbed in my boyfriends car trying to solicit.

After having my wisdom teeth torn out the need for hydro codone refills soothed the achey heart of a mother in and out of court for paternity, support, and custody issues. In addition to the friendly careless high from marijuana, Prozac added to the illusion of my invincibility and my devious criminalistic mind began to plot ways to recycle the goods that would be thrown into a trash compactor anyway. I guess it is still considered a form of retail theft and they had to let me go despite the fact that I was a pretty hard worker compared to some.

I have had a month of what I am going to consider a personal rehabilitation. God has given me the freedom to choose to do something good for my daughter and myself. With a little bit of faith and determination I can succeed and get myself to where were are supposed to be in the world. I have poured all of the venmon out of my life and I just need to get where an education can get me, out of here.

In the next five years, I see myself completing my education and having a career rehabiliting people who have dug themselves a whole deeper than mine. No matter how deep it is, I am certain I have the strength to help them pull themselves out. Also like a superhero, I want to help protect people from the villians that I have seen the streets create.During this time period I will continue finding ways to be an excellent mother and play an active role in my community expanding my horizons and opening up myself new positive opportunities.

Monday, December 27, 2010

lil notes

shim shimmery shim shim shuree
is it a him, or is it a she?
he used the womans bathroom,
but she definitely stood when she peed.

--take care of your plants, dear
--call up welfare office and let them know about the situation ive put myself into.
--legal aid, plead guilty??
--stop smoking.

VEGAN DETOX DETOX VEGAN VEGAN! I had a grilled cheese today. damn.

where i come from:

you can find me up in erie, pa,
where the bitches aint got nothing to do but lay,
theres several places theyll get their pay,
its a shame its gonna be that way,
some people are proud of tha 814,
who the fuck knows why, its quite a bore,
unless ur living ur life like a whore,
thats why theyre changing it to 528,
all these bitches are gonna hate,
its too late, its in the works,
go walk thru the ally where my dealers lurk,
here we've all gone bizerk,
when too many people know you,
its time to go, peace out homies,
i dont wanna be known as anotha one of these phonies,
i cant be a story for someone else to recite,
it aint right,
im worth more than a chuckle,
watch me find new ways to hustle,
in a town of brotherly love, in the bustle,
i need that culture shock,
on a brand new block,
yep, watch me rock,
in the town of philadelphia,
ill chit chat my neighbor on the bus,
treat em how i wanna be treated,
because up in erie, i got defeated
it sucks thats where i procreated,
but im tired of everyone being mistreated.
its time for new people in my life,
that know nothing of my strife,
ones that wont try to throw a knife,
into my back,
erie pa mofos is whack,
all might as well be smokin crack,
cos everyones nuts,
they dont wanna cheesesteak, they wanna cold cut.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

i wonder if heavens got a ghetto

Bc as soon as i get there im smoking a blunt w Jesus just to prove a point that its alright.=)
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Friday, December 24, 2010

Like a FUCK YOU for Christmas, his gift is a curse, forget the earth, hes got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

Today at ghettomart there was a black man in the line a few lines over, dressed in a nice long wool looking trench coat, winter hat, and then like a fedora, he was older, looked like a pimp, or maybe he couldve been high on crack, or maybe something like the magic of Christmas hit him in the face, but he busted out singing several Christmas songs at the top of his lungs, and he was good at it. (For sure not hired by Walmart, and just a random customer.) Some people were giggling, a man on a bench stood up to see him, I wish I had the balls to join in, and I wish I had the voice to do it as well as he was too. Why the fuck shouldn't someone bust out singing when the feeling strikes them? Well in the parking lot, getting back into my car, bumping some Nicki Minaj, texting before I drive off, who gets into the old gold BMW parked next to me? I smiled at him. He saw me smiling in the store too and I felt good.

So tonight at 12am. It's offically Christmas. And Eminem's song "Not Afraid" has given me the motivation to do something pretty evil and send the text message "I just wanted the first message you see on your phone Christmas morning to be a lovely "FUCK YOU" from me. Merry Christmas, Asshole. Love, Hannity" Three motherfuckers are getting it. Maybe more if I scroll through my contacts and see another deserving individual.

im an apocalypse

I can give you a taste of what having the whole world feels like,
so enjoy this moment of heaven while it lasts,
itll be great for a second,
but sooner or later ill have wrecked it,
and this moment shall pass.
one of us will sink to the bottom of the sea,
that is- if surely, we're not meant to be,
if the feeling lingers on,
then we'll all know that ive been so wrong
a true love that could conquer all my battles,
from here and other lands,
near and far, we'll have seen the whole world,
and that is what i know off hand.
such a love is real, that i know for sure,
i felt it consume my entire heart,
in that magical kingdom where we once were,
currently im lost, out floating in space,
waiting to be discovered
because im done searching that place
crashing down into earth,
a starlit meteor shower,
this is my rebirth and these are my powers,
like a prayer thats been heard,
or a fortune thats been told,
In sight of me your vision is blurred
im the sinner needing saving,
the lost soul always complaining,
falling apart to pieces,
breaking all kinds of leases,
and leaving all kinds of diseases.
i am the apocolypse,
the horror story of a fairy tale ending,
one day, with this, ill come to grips.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

how to be a pleasanter person

Okay, so the thing I miss about having best friends is, being able to talk dirty. We were not judgemental when it came to talking about sex. We all shared stories, and told each other about our different expeditions. Now all I got our magazines. That reminds me. If bitch ever wants her clothes I stole from her, then she needs to give me my Cosmopolitans Guide to Red Hot Sex I lent her and her dude. Anyway, if I had a best friend, I'd message her and tell her about how I just got myself off and I haven't gotten off in, fucking months I suppose and maybe now I'll be a pleasanter person. =)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I just made myself dinner and its so good, but sounds so gross that I can't tell anyone about it on facebook for fear of being made fun of.

Sardine and Rice with spring salad mix in a sundried tomatoe torilla wrap. vegetarian!!

trippin ballz

How the fuck did i pull all these christmas presents for my boo outta my ass? Theres more presents here for her than santa delivers to all the children of the world. Today she is at her fathers house most of the day. And well, fuck dat nigga. But its wrapping paper time. =) i was doing swell, nice creases and folds and i got creative a couple times, until i got hI. Im almost all done. And oddly im real excited about that for once! I already see some improvements. I cant wait to relax.
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